I just feel like taking a stroll at any park.
Or perhaps at the lake near my house
where I usually sit there to relax myself.
My head hurts almost everyday.
Ive been thinking alot lately.
With all problems from school, friends
and not forgetting, Bf.
I really miss him.
Its been 1 week since I last heard from him.
Eversince he went to Melaka,
he didnt even msg me when he's back.
Im trying to control myself
not to disturb him for this moment.
Maybe he needs time to be alone.
I blocked him.
I stay away from him.
I never msg him like I did last time.
I didnt look for him.
And all these really tortures me indeed.
But I cant do anything right now.

I just hope history never repeat itself again.
It has happen to me for 2 times and I dont want this to be
the 3rd time I went through these.
Its really hurtful.
But I guess, its already written that I have to go through
this hardship.
I will patiently wait for him to come back.
I just need to keep myself busy
so that I wont think of him.
Too much tears shedding and I dont wanna make it a habit.
And ketot told me not to be so stupid to think that way.
I have to have confidence in myself that what had happened before
doesnt mean the same thing will happen right now.
But how can when it happen for 2 times already.
And its the same experiences that im facing right now,
at this very moment.
Tell me how can I not think that
this will happen to me for the 3rd time?
Im confused.

Finally Im done with MM.
Took quite some time to finish it up.
But Alhamdulillah. At last, done.

Well, I guess Bf is back.
Just that he didnt informed me.
Kept me waiting and waiting.
Sometimes I just feel what he did to me right now,
reminds me of the past.
When I have to wait and wait for that someone,
but ended up leaving me just like that.
I seriously dont mind.
If he were to come to me and said
he dont like me anymore or anything.
At least I know the answer and I will leave.
Dont torture my heart by just walking away.
Thousands of questions will keep lingering in my mind.
Please, at least, make my mind feel at ease.
Maybe you need time to be alone.
Im fine with that.
But whatever it is, ILU.
And I'll always do.
Its been a month plus since I last saw him.
I wish we could spend time together one day.
I hoping for that day to come.

At this moment, I feel like going far away from here.

To bestie,
stay strong alright.
U will find ur happiness one day.
U will and Im very sure.

I dont know whats happening to me today.
Simply, I have no mood to do anything.
Im being silent almost throughout the whole day.
My mind doesnt feel at ease.
So many things to think about.
Especially when Bf is away and projs are piling up.

Sorry mum n dad for showing u my 'sardine' face
when fetching me from work.
Im seriously tired.
If not working, I would be sitting in front of laptop to do project.
Either at home or staying back in school.
When will my mind be at ease?
When will I be able to get my proper 8hr sleep?
Im so stressed up, but on top of that,
I just realised I love codings. :P
Plus, I felt irritated by this fellow.
Feel like shouting directly to his face and said,
"SHUT UP!! STOP BEING SOOOOO IRRITATING!!
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE SUCH A LAME-O??!!"
*dush*dush*dush*

I need you right now, Nir.
Please come back soon! :(

Today Bf went to Melaka.
I dont know for how many days
Cause when I asked him, he simply dont want to answer.
Haha. But its ok. I'll wait till he msg me.
Cause he said he will msg me once he reach Singapore.
And I will patiently waiting for him. =))
Dont why this morning,
he msg me while he's on the way to KL.
I cried as I read his msg.
I hope he said all that with sincere and honest.

Anyway, having a big fight again with Mr B a few days ago.
And I seriously felt that this time round he went way too far.
Now he blame me for not giving him chance
to prove to me that he can change.
I told him before, eventhough I dont accept Nir
I dont think I can accept him.
I seriously dont know why I cant accept him.
And even if me n Nir doesnt last long,
I dont think I can accept Mr B.
After what he said to me and everything.
He made such a huge mistake by doing this to me.
He himself destroy the trust I had in him.
the respect and everything.
No point being friends and accept his apology this time round.

And another person,
Im seriously irritated by him.
Two words to describe him, he's a 'S.S' person.
VERY + VERY + VERY IRRITATING!
++ SUPER & SUPER & SUPER LAME!

Just for you Nir Ayim

Walaupon dikau jauh dari padangan
Namun hatimu tetap dihatiku
Walau sejauh mana dikau menghilang
Ku tetap terus menantimu

Sejenak ku berfikir
Apakah kesudahannya perhubungan ini
Adakah ini sudah suratan takdir
Yang harus ku lalui kini

Adakah cinta untukku pernah hadir di hati?
Apakah sebenarnya di fikiranmu
Ku mohon agar dikau mengerti
Ku tidak pernah jemu menunggumu

Tidak ku pinta sebuah balasan
Hanya kejujuran yang ku inginkan
Oh kekasihku,
luahkan segala yang tersirat di hatimu

Ku hanya mampu berdoa
Dikau yang terakhir untukku
Tidak ku sanggup lalui ini semua
Sekali lagi dalam hidupku

Ku tetap terus menunggu
Jangan diulangi kisah yang dahulu
Ku pinta dikau kembali
Menceriakan hidupku lagi

Time check : 2.30am now.
And I still haven sleep yet.
Dont know why, I couldnt sleep.
So here I am blogging.
Well, finally get to talk to Bf just now.
Though its only for awhile.
It seems that we both lost of words.
Dont know why, we seems to be drifting apart.
Well, he's sitting for an exam in few hours time.
So shall not disturb him then.
At least from the start if I knew he preparing for exams,
I wouldnt be thinking negatively.
Its ok. Nanie is fine with that. Cheer up!

Well, having a fight with Basti again just now.
And I seriosuly pissed off.
Its not my fault though when he himself still wanting to wait for me
despite me telling him only Bf is in my heart.
I was just saying, 'I felt so uneasy when u still having feelings for me.'
I just dont want him to waste his time.
It made me feel guilty you see.
I dont want him to be hurt.
Then there he goes.
Asking me to 'mampos(die) la', etc.
And saying its my fault for making him angry?
Like wth.
If he thinks I always make him angry, then fine!
Dont msg me la. Easy right.
I guarantee you for sure, tomorrow he will msg me
and apologise.
He only knows how to find fault, scold and then asking for my forgiveness.
Thats all he does.
And I tell u, its very2 irritating!
How many times must I forgive him when he do it again and again.
Ive so many things to settle,
and there he is adding problems into my life.
I seriously cant take it.
Im very sure, Im gonna ignore him from today onwards.
No point talking to people with no brains
and thinks he's the correct party always.
Huh!!

I dont know how to express this.
I keep to myself about my past experience
which haunt me whenever i feel im in the same situation like before.
Bf does asked me before, he doesnt understand why girls feel insecured
when their love ones is not there for them.
I tried to explain to him but I choose to keep everything to myself.
All I can say now is I seriously scared of losing him.
I scared history will repeat itself again.
I just hope that wont happen.
If only Bf knows.
Ive been keeping all these to myself. :'(

My past experience.
How do you feel when u waited for someone whom u love
for more than a month, ended up you've been left just like that
without any reason?

How do you feel when u need someone whom u love to be there
when u're sad but he's not there?

How do you feel when the one you love making alot of promises to u
but ended up making empty promises?

I still remember my worst journey in life.
Is when Im having attachment at Changi Airport.
The first day I started attachment, marks
the life full of sadness.
Got to know someone having attachment at another country.
Shall not stated who.
Given my characteristics whom always have low self confidence,
am I strong enough to face all that alone?
Every single day before I enter office,
I cried when I read every single msg of his
just to give me some confidence and motivation.
When I was about to put away unhappy feelings,
more sadness came into my life.
Grandma passed away, getting scolded by supervisor,
workloads that have yet to finish when datelines are given
not having enough rest.
I still remember having to do survey over at Arrival Hall at T3.
Seeing those people waiting for their love ones to come back.
I imagine myself waiting there for him to come back.
There's times when I see his face in others whick look alike.
I even fell down from the stairs due to tiredness.
I cried otw back home, calling his name in heart.
When I finally realised everything is a waste of time.
I waited for more than a month,
but what do I get in return?
He left me just like that without any reasons.
What do you think I would feel? Happy?
Ive long forgotten about this person.
Cause among the others, he hurt me the most.
Thanks. But I dont bear grudges on him.
Let bygones be bygones.

Now, whenever bf 's in silence,
all this started haunting me again.
Please, let me have a positive mindset.
I have nothing to say.
All I can do now is to wait for his msg.
If i ever did wrong, Im sorry.

Im sorry. I love you, Nir.

So many things happening this few days.
Or should I say, T.O.D.A.Y?
Past few days I was rather tired. Super super tired.
After MST, back to doing FYP, SAD & ERP projs.
I was very blur during work and also at school.
When people called me, I never hear them calling.
Always bring that blur and tired face wherever I go.
And there's one funny part happening just now.
I dont know that the T22 toilet had already renovated.
I shall not share. Its so embarassing. Haha.
Just one clue. I went to the wrong toilet. >.<

After school went to meet Khai at dover.
Cause he wants me to come along with him to watch
AYG 2009 Soccer Match at Jalan Besar.
He got free tickets.
We went there with the other two of his friends.
I never went there before and I started to feel really awkward.
But as soon as I reach the stadium, I saw makcik2 also seh.
I felt abit relax. Haha.
Semi-finals was between Iran and China. Iran wins 2-0.
Finals was between North Korea and South Korea. South Korea wins 2-0.
During the finals, there's this korean man sitting just 2 seats away from me.
He eating Big Mac and drink water continuous.
Like people who are really3 hungry.
He bite the burger then he drink he bite then he drink.
Somemore there was no straw.
I started to laugh. I dont know Khai was also focusing on him.
We both laugh.

Me : Kelaparan seh tu org.
He : Haha. Ni bukan lapar, ni gelojoh.
Me : Haha. Tu uh. Sampai tak sempat amek straw.

Bestie happened to call.
Started to disturb both of us.
Haha. We're not dating ok??
Please dont misunderstand. Hehe.
The match ended at 9.15pm and we then head back home.
I was very sleepy and tired.


Im having a fight with Basti.
Again! He scolded me and blame me for everything.
He called me useless women.
He said damn it to me.
Yes. Its my fault. You never did anything wrong ok.
Everything that happened is all my fault.
Are you satisfy now?
I really tired of having to quarrel with him over some small issues.
There's more things for me to think about.
And seriously my head hurts this few days.
Maybe due to not having enough rest and think too much.
I felt guilty fighting with him.
At least I already told him the truth that I already have someone.
He said he insist of waiting and willing to let me go.
But now, he doesnt seems to understand.
Each time he msg me, he starts to talk nonsense.
And when I tried to explain things to him,
he started to call me names and scolded me.
I really dont know what to say.


I spoken to Bf about all this.
And he only said these,
"Just ignore him. Seriously I dont like it when he said vulgarities at you."
Hmm. Dont know why.
He become so emotion.
Well dear, indeed its true that I never felt the love from you yet.
But I am certain that I started to have feelings for you.
I dont need you to contact me everyday.
I dont expect you to spend your time for me.
If you are busy, then its ok. I understand.
I do understand.
I felt something from you.
But I still unsure about it.
Let fate decides everything.

Dear, Imu too. ;(

MST Week is over! =)
I felt so relieved after ERP paper.
I thought I couldnt do.
But Alhamdulillah. The paper was fine.
After some motivations from Bf.
He asked me to sleep. That time was already 3am.
But I still stubborn cause I wanna study for this module.
He keep asking me to get some rest.
Just to please him, I lied to him.
Saying that Im going to sleep but actually I still studying. >.<
I slept at 6am in the morning.
And woke up at 8am. Only 2 hours of sleeping.
Sacrifice my sleep just to study ERP.
Well, never regret cause I manage to do the paper.
So happy. =)
Thanks to Nad too for accompanying me the whole night.
We crapping all the way. Haha.
Hopefully she manage to do her chemistry paper.

Anyway, I was somehow disturbed by what he said
when we talked to each other on mon night.
He said he worried about his love life.
But he didnt wanna tell me what exactly it is.
Till I have some negative thoughts about it.
And I felt so uneasy.
I started to feel that Im some kind of a barrier to his future.
Dont know why I felt that way.
That point of time I was really2 down.
But I choose to keep it all to myself.
I never share everything to him.
Yesterday while talking to him, he asked why I felt so sad.
He knows that I was thinking about him.
He told me not to worry about that.
Now I know what he busy with.
I never knew he would do that.
Setting up his own business indeed kind of risky.
But he took the challenges.
Hopefully everything will go fine.

Yesterday I felt something weird.
All these while I dont know why.
I never had all those feeling towards him.
Eventhough I choose him instead of others.
I dont know if I really didnt have any feelings towards him
or its just that my heart keeps denying it each time that feeling came.
When I felt that I need him, I scared of losing him.
Everything. I always deny it.
But yesterday when talking to him,
he told me everything just to keep my mind at ease.
He tried to explained things to me, then I started to understand.
We spent some time talking about us.
And eventually, I started to feel it.
And now I should say, I cant deny it already
That I started to have feelings for him.
But I always told myself not to expect too much in this relationship.
Cause its hurt each time been fooled by all those sweet talker.

One more thing.
Someone already has a girlfriend.
Up till now I still havent get the answer as to why he did that to me.
So much for the love and trust that I had in him.
All the promises that he have made.
Everything that he said has no meaning at all.
1st time ever I felt I wasted my time on him.
I wasted 1 and a half month waiting for him.
But all I get and heard from him was just
ignorance and 'GO AWAY!'
Thanks very much.
You are the most 'baik' ustaz that I have ever known.


Dear, If you could understand me, why cant I?
Sorry for worrying about you too much.
I just want you to know Im sincere. =)

'-NaMe-'
SiTi RoHaNi MuStAfA

'-PrEffErEd NaMe-'
NaNiE

'-D.O.B-'
14 JaNuArY 1990

'-PrOffEsIoN-'
StUdEnT CaRe TeAcHeR

'-SaYiNG-‘
ItS iMpOsSiBLe To Go ThRoUGh LiFe WiThOuT tRuSt

~ StArLiGhT tEaRs ~

The white starlight envelops the tears
The tears fall in the warm wind
Do you feel it?
This trembling, quiet whisper that is going your way
I drew you in this white paper
The warm smile holds me
Is this love
Even when i close my eyes, i see only you

I'll be waiting for you
I will wait for you
I dont want to see the tears of pain anymore
You let me know this love thats like a lie
I'll never let it go
Because that love is you

Im walking in my memories with you
The tears fill even the deepest area of my heart
What should i do?
Even in my dream i miss you

I'll be waiting for you
I will wait for you
I dont want to see the tears of pain anymore
You let me know this love thats like a lie
I'll never let it go
Because that love is you

Please look at me, like the faraway stars
Can't you be the one thats in my heart

I'll be waiting for you
I will wait for you
I dont want to see the tears of pain anymore
You let me know this love thats like a lie
I'll never let it go
Because that love is you

---

~ L o V e L i E s ~

NaDiAh
AyU
fArAnUrShEiLa
hAkIm
hAyAtI
sHaRoNa
aL-fEE
iZzAt

~ F r I e N d S ~

aLdEn
AsYrAff
aZLiFa
aZmIrA
cHeRyL
dIn
fAeZaH
fAkHrI
fArEEz
fArInA
hAfIdZa
hUdA
KrYsTaL
LyAnA
MaGGiE
mInG Xi
NaQiAh
NuRuLhUdA
rAiHaNaH
sHaFFiYaN
ShAfIqA
sHeRyL
SyAhIdA
YaNi
Yu QiNG
ZuRaIIn
ZyLaa

~ M I (P A E 0 7 ') ~

AtIkAh
HaFiZaH
IdAh
LiSa
MyRa
ZuLkArNaIn
yUsLiNdA

~ S P ~

aDeLiNe
AhBiAh
aMaLiNa
AmOs
ChOnG YaN
CyNtHiA
DeAn
HaFiLaH
JiNG YiNG
JuN JiE
JuStIn
LiN Qi
ShI JiE
ShI YuN
StEpHaNiE
WiNiFrEd